:)

seems as I'm neglecting you..
well I only seem to write to you when I'm miserable but I'm not home enough to think about it. I am home attempting to study and now am miserable. booo, what have I done!

there's nothing I miss more

I don't know why I did this to myself, fuck.

I ordered Conker's Bad Fur Day for the n64, and a nifty pair of cords. I am satisfied.

very annoyed. today is going to be bad.

my dad said this to me today-
"are you going steady with him?" keep in mind he really did say going steady like we were in the 80's anywho, I replied, "kind of." because it's complicated and the internet is the internet. he then says, "well just don't leave something you could have really liked just to be ignored again." which is the advice basically everyone has given me. not that I have a chance to go back, because it was a flat out no. again not that it matters because whatever you do you'll never be happy. there's just no way anyone can commit themselves to something if there's another something- or someone else there. I suppose you're the only thing holding me back. I don't know what that means, probably nothing good. and at the same time I'm hurting someone that cares about me. I really need to make a decision. forever alone or not but with a bad feeling in the back of my mind. terrible. I am not okay.

I have destroyed our love, it's gone. payback is sick and it's all my fault. this is it and you're really gone this time, never once thought I'd be in pieces.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Easton kinda sucks. not having money sucks. school sucks. missing you sucks. maybe I should sleep. I love watching my cat sleep too much, though. now she's biting my arm. I knew I hated change, why did I do it to myself? oh well. ouch. so much art it hurts.

I like that I even ruin other people's relationships, whatup.

I don't even know what to do. do I start a journal? where only I can read things? on tumblr anyone that stumbles upon it can read whatever I write. (I'm sure I can change settings, but why bother.) on here, almost no one will find this but then again everyone will read it. & on facebook it would seem like I'm just searching for attention/fishing for compliments. I can never say what I want without sounding selfish, because I guess it is in a way. everyone does things for themselves, but isn't that the point of life? to make yourself happy? maybe. I cannot accept change, even if I'm the one who brought it upon myself. there's no way I could go on thinking about how I was supposed to feel, and what I was supposed to do. but there's no way I can go on without closure. and I ruined that. I don't care if people thought I did the right thing, I'm the only one who even thinks it was partially a bad way to handle things. I don't even know what any of this means. I just miss you more than anything. but whatever, there's way too much to even think about, especially when my cat is sitting right here. she's so precious and adorable. she won't ever leave me (except when she's dead, anyway). again, she's always there even if she's uninterested. also, Bon Jovi. but anyway, she's a constant in my life. my parents are too but they wouldn't understand. by this point like always I'm ranting so I'm just gonna write my essays for this dumb college life class now. bye.

I like when you rub my mistakes in my face.

my week and a half, because I'm too lazy to put more pictures up. I hate hearing about Pitchfork. you cannot blame me fully for this.

TAKE ME BACKKKKKK TO NOT NOW

also,

a friend said this and I think it kind of sums up my feelings right now. minus or adding a few details.


"I really just did everything so you would fight for me and chase after me. And you didn’t. You let me go without a fight. And I didn’t want to let go, I wanted us to change and I wanted to be happy with you. And now I’m just unhappy without you. And I don’t have anything to hold onto and I feel so fucking lost. I gave up so much for us to work and it backfired in my face because I’m a fucking moron. I just want us to be okay but the more I push you away so that you’ll fight for me, the more you hate me and despise me. And it makes sense but in some sick, twisted way, I hoped it would make you want me back and want to work on our relationship with me so we could be disgustingly in love. But you never want to speak to me ever again so I had to hide everything that reminds me of you but its not working and I’m getting physically sick over being so upset and I really just want to fucking slit myself open and die because I’m such a shitty person. But I’ll just pretend to be okay and act like a bitch about everything because that’s my only defense mechanism. I’m sorry."

glad I now miss you more than ever. I suck. forgetting about things is no way to get over them.

50th post.

I hate being depressing I really do, there's really nothing else coming out of me though. every time I eat I get sick. I'm crying constantly. there has to be some way that people forgive themselves for something that you can't redeem yourself from? alright well for the 3 people following me I'm just going to stop here. stay posi xxx

I am so cold. I am always cold. shitty weather to match my mood.

get me out of this place, before I cause more damage.

LGFAUD

my cat is sleeping next to me. I like that she is a constant in my life. she still listens to me even if she walks away uninterested. I missed you. went to DE for the weekend to spend time with paige, the only other person I know who can hate something more than I can. me and mark drove up friday night and went to this dumb party at some house. there was a black light lit basement, with a waiting list for beer pong..as paige danced in a crowded, STD-filled pit of sweat, mark and I went outside for a cigarette, where there were still about 30 people..watching as some guy is passed out and his friends trying to get him to wake up, a girl by the name of Lindsay comes up to us- "hey, can I borrow a cigarette" mark claims to not have any so I give her the rest, about half, of the one I was smoking. I hope I made her night. as paige comes out with her boy interest "squid" or whatever they call him, we join a group of stoner faggots that have a type of marijuana called "Grand Daddy Purp" to this second I still do not know if I believe if it was really what he said, or if it even exists. but anyway, one hit and I was gone. possibly he wasn't lying, but I made a good decision and went for watermelon at 7-11 instead of cookies or a slurpee or something. I was so tired, I passed out at like 2. the next morning, instead of throwing away my pennies, I dropped them all around campus hoping to make someones day. I really needed the same feeling. we showered and shopped on main street for the rest of the day. mark and I attempted to get back to the valley in time for Science Fair's show in Bethlehem, but we got lost on I-95 for quite some time. a good time for long talks. as I sit here typing this I still don't know what I was getting at. sitting here trying to stay positive for everyone that said "stop talking about him" and everyone who still has doubts. I do believe if you have faith in something, it will work out. I really do. I really hate still standing up for something-someone I still believe in. when I'm standing alone with the same thoughts I've always had. I wish that I made sense. goodnight.

"last night, I went out with this guy. this guy he was nice. he was nice and cute but he- he wasn't you."

absolutely.

the worst I've felt in a LONG time. I seriously feel like throwing up everywhere. I stayed home from school cause I'm so sick right now. I need comfort.

is it bad that I feel enraged when some people are happy?

i am nothing but nice to anyone, and constantly just get shit. why? i don't get it. I'm in spanish. then art history. then driving. then sitting around. save me.

I just realized how depressing this whole blog has gotten. something needs to be done about this, ahaha.

I hate seeing happy people/couples

fuck all ya'll

wow.

I am really bummed right now. I'm not even excited about Philly tomorrow anymore..

a wave of people that I thought were my friends show a pretty strong dislike towards me now, what?

but anyway, art class today. I'm so hungry. I like college. philly this weekend. allentown fair.

I just realized.

life isn't fair. it gives two shits about no one. on the other hand, college orientation weekend was good. made a few friends, was pretty fun. got home, miserable. I know you saw it. I really can't tell if growing up is going to be rad or make me a sad wreck. hopefully in the end everything will make sense but for now gonna go with the floooow. everyone's settled into college already, me and tess are the only ones left. no one else shows any interest in seeing me. people I thought were close to me actually think that I'm lame, for the most part. I miss my friends, & I miss the past. but classes start tomorrow, hopefully that turns out well. I have a 7:30 am philosophy class, what a terrific way to start my school year & week. I'm excited though to meet new people and hopefully have fun. besides having feelings, life is pretty damn good. it's also really hot in this room. I'm probably just rambling by this point so I'm just going to stop. happy sunday.

this is stupid.

I know you all are my friends and are just trying to help, but I'm seriously overwhelmed by denying all of these rumors recently. it absolutely isn't important but I'm getting kind of sick of it. "so you think tyler hooks up with all those girls?" is the general question I've been getting. I mean I know these people are trying to watch out for me but it's almost annoying by this point. first of all- I have no say in what he does so it's irrelevant to begin with. second of all, I have nothing to prove to anyone. I know what goes down and if anything was proven to me to be true, which I doubt, I'd handle it myself. you could gladly say, "I told ya so" at that point. I guess this whole blog post is irrelevant but maybe you should get your facts and sources straight before you start gossiping to me. thanks.

for my birthday this year, I want to be appreciated. I want to be shown that I'm cared about, no matter how selfish that sounds. words are cheap, and I've been feeling not good enough for a lot of people lately. and I kind of just want people to prove to me that they mean what they say. and a sloth. is that too much to ask?

oh god this karma is lasting too long.

I've had the sickest week! I'll elaborate later, but the only thing that's needed is cuddling, too bad no one wants to :(

my palms are sweaty, and there's an unsettled feeling in my stomach.

:)

on my mind.

something I said a few days ago makes me want to elaborate on it, but I don't know if it matters.


I've got to pee.

:)

my mom's bringing home arby's and I'm going to mayfair to meet up with jen later. maybe slums, if I can find a ride. today could possibly be rad!

FUCK I FORGOT

R.I.P Gary Coleman. He'll never know what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

I hate not being in control of things, fuck!

but I love sloths. I hope one day I can meet one and maybe own one ehehe, how sick would that be? cute little shits that aren't mean and just sleep. how convenient! well anyway. today I went to school and then mayfair with paige. it was a fun time. g'night. "fuck it"

I miss being loved :( I miss "I love you" and I miss feeling special

k end complain




here's a cat :3 my cat, to be specific
ALMOST THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL FUCK YEAH

I'm almost positive.

that I just might be the most bitter person on Earth.

happy sunday!

I had a decent weekend. on friday I hung out with Tess, we creeped around hava java and target, then went to karinas for a little, that was...interesting. saturday me and my mom went to drop off my prom dress for alterations as well as my corsage and tyler boutenierre (sp?) both together were like 30 bucks, haaa. prom is in a week :3 then we went to the mall so I could get new gauges that somewhat match my dress, but they were all expensive and my mom wouldn't have it. cause she's a jew, of course. I saw nelson and carlos andino there, they gave me the biggest hugs :D then was miranda's going away party :'( I've known her for 12 years of my life, it's pretty weird watching her go off to the marines. afterwards, paige came back to my house and we basically just bummed around from there. and now today! what am I going to do today. probably bum around some more, eat some healthy shit, yyeeeuuuhh. the only complaint I have is more than one person blatently saying they didn't wanna hang out with me, I must be boring haha :( oh and, my cat threw up and I had to clean it. and then this morning she knocked over some flowers and got shit wet >:| but I can't stay mad at her, she's my baby <3 okay the end

tl;dr- I had a busy-ish weekend, it was kinda sick

I don't wanna go to bed like this.

I hate feeling selfish ha. I always put people ahead of me and for once I just want someone to do something for me. I hate to say that but I'd rather not keep that in any longer. I guess I could be overreacting but I try not to complain, but not telling anyone, ever, doesn't do anything for me. anyone who's reading this ramble right now don't mind me, just saying.

in school right now.

take that, internet policies.

I guess I don't really have anything interesting to say..went to hoffman's on friday with sara, it was pretty fun I guess. went to ham fam and dunkin donuts last night with some cool people. and today, who knows! everyone seems to be doing school stuff, fuuuuck that. hopefully I find something to do, it's pretty nice out hahhh. I am cold. can't decide what I want to do. hmm.

welcome back, jesus.

welp, today was Easter. my aunt and uncle came over and we grubbed out on food and whatnot...and from then on I've been sitting here bored out of my mind. all this alone time makes me think too hard and over-analyze. the only thing I don't get is, why all the scumbags, girl or boy, always have people that wanna be with them! I'm so nice and no one wants to be with me haha I don't get it. but I'll quit my ranting.


got accepted to Bong U to study bongology
that is all.

back.

I came back from Europe on monday, shit was nuts. picture time.



philly airport, cosmo.



and the creeping begins.



We started in Spain, Madrid to be exact.



so pretty. Madrid was probably my favorite, chilllller.



tapas in Barcelona. (basically, a resteraunt for continuous plates of appetizers)



then out for churros and chocolate!



eerie.



this is sick, although France smells.



rainy.



two words: nutella crepe. the guy forgot to charge me.



candy and chocolate factory, also in France.



me in Pisa.



wasted in Florence.



before some guy that looked like max zahradnik spilled his drink on me.



soo pretty. if anyone ever wants to get me flowers ;)



rare disease day.



made a wish at the Trevi fountain :)



cats love roman ruins. and I love cats.



bye bye Europe :(



parting gift, shockingly...good tasting. juggalette 4 lyfe.


all in all, it was such a breath of fresh air from this depressing city. soo beautiful and I miss it already. maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to go back :) I missed home because of all the people I love, but not to excited to come back to reality. I guess things aren't as bad as they seem. I still belive. :)

please believe me, this isn't where I want to be

I'm leaving for Europe in 9 days! super stoked. I still need a camera though. :( yesterday, I went to the wawa on union boulevard to pick up a camera I wanted from some guy on craigslist, but was stupid and never got his phone number to get in touch with him. after 5 minutes or so, I finally decided to check my email on my phone (even though it'll cost a fortune) and read the email "sorry someone came and picked it up last night" FFFFUUUUU I was so mad. ended up going to both five guys and rookies that day.
also, girl scout cookies! shit is nuts. lemonades are where it's at.

I think that's about it, just trying to keep my mind occupied for now. still wondering when things are going to get better, but dealing with what I'm given now..

..HEY LOOK IT'S SNOWING

think about what we start young for.

well, this has been probably the worst week of my life, to date. I mean I wake up without cancer, and I have legs, but I guess I'm just selfish. I have no appetite. I feel apathetic most of the time and when I'm not, I'm crying. but it's alright, I haven't cried at all today. maybe I'm beginning to feel halfway okay. things will be okay. I love you.

"moving on was a chore that I was never quite ready for."

/end pathetic

happy new year!

new years was awesome.

so far though, new year has been miserable for the most part. got denied into Temple, and everyone just sucks it seems. oh well, I don't need them anyway. and I'll get into somewhere else, hopefully..

friday night and nothing to do


"this could be everything, I don't wanna dream anymore"