a friend said this and I think it kind of sums up my feelings right now. minus or adding a few details.
"I really just did everything so you would fight for me and chase after me. And you didn’t. You let me go without a fight. And I didn’t want to let go, I wanted us to change and I wanted to be happy with you. And now I’m just unhappy without you. And I don’t have anything to hold onto and I feel so fucking lost. I gave up so much for us to work and it backfired in my face because I’m a fucking moron. I just want us to be okay but the more I push you away so that you’ll fight for me, the more you hate me and despise me. And it makes sense but in some sick, twisted way, I hoped it would make you want me back and want to work on our relationship with me so we could be disgustingly in love. But you never want to speak to me ever again so I had to hide everything that reminds me of you but its not working and I’m getting physically sick over being so upset and I really just want to fucking slit myself open and die because I’m such a shitty person. But I’ll just pretend to be okay and act like a bitch about everything because that’s my only defense mechanism. I’m sorry."