I have destroyed our love, it's gone. payback is sick and it's all my fault. this is it and you're really gone this time, never once thought I'd be in pieces.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Easton kinda sucks. not having money sucks. school sucks. missing you sucks. maybe I should sleep. I love watching my cat sleep too much, though. now she's biting my arm. I knew I hated change, why did I do it to myself? oh well. ouch. so much art it hurts.

I like that I even ruin other people's relationships, whatup.

I don't even know what to do. do I start a journal? where only I can read things? on tumblr anyone that stumbles upon it can read whatever I write. (I'm sure I can change settings, but why bother.) on here, almost no one will find this but then again everyone will read it. & on facebook it would seem like I'm just searching for attention/fishing for compliments. I can never say what I want without sounding selfish, because I guess it is in a way. everyone does things for themselves, but isn't that the point of life? to make yourself happy? maybe. I cannot accept change, even if I'm the one who brought it upon myself. there's no way I could go on thinking about how I was supposed to feel, and what I was supposed to do. but there's no way I can go on without closure. and I ruined that. I don't care if people thought I did the right thing, I'm the only one who even thinks it was partially a bad way to handle things. I don't even know what any of this means. I just miss you more than anything. but whatever, there's way too much to even think about, especially when my cat is sitting right here. she's so precious and adorable. she won't ever leave me (except when she's dead, anyway). again, she's always there even if she's uninterested. also, Bon Jovi. but anyway, she's a constant in my life. my parents are too but they wouldn't understand. by this point like always I'm ranting so I'm just gonna write my essays for this dumb college life class now. bye.

I like when you rub my mistakes in my face.

my week and a half, because I'm too lazy to put more pictures up. I hate hearing about Pitchfork. you cannot blame me fully for this.

TAKE ME BACKKKKKK TO NOT NOW

also,

a friend said this and I think it kind of sums up my feelings right now. minus or adding a few details.


"I really just did everything so you would fight for me and chase after me. And you didn’t. You let me go without a fight. And I didn’t want to let go, I wanted us to change and I wanted to be happy with you. And now I’m just unhappy without you. And I don’t have anything to hold onto and I feel so fucking lost. I gave up so much for us to work and it backfired in my face because I’m a fucking moron. I just want us to be okay but the more I push you away so that you’ll fight for me, the more you hate me and despise me. And it makes sense but in some sick, twisted way, I hoped it would make you want me back and want to work on our relationship with me so we could be disgustingly in love. But you never want to speak to me ever again so I had to hide everything that reminds me of you but its not working and I’m getting physically sick over being so upset and I really just want to fucking slit myself open and die because I’m such a shitty person. But I’ll just pretend to be okay and act like a bitch about everything because that’s my only defense mechanism. I’m sorry."

glad I now miss you more than ever. I suck. forgetting about things is no way to get over them.

50th post.

I hate being depressing I really do, there's really nothing else coming out of me though. every time I eat I get sick. I'm crying constantly. there has to be some way that people forgive themselves for something that you can't redeem yourself from? alright well for the 3 people following me I'm just going to stop here. stay posi xxx

I am so cold. I am always cold. shitty weather to match my mood.

get me out of this place, before I cause more damage.

LGFAUD

my cat is sleeping next to me. I like that she is a constant in my life. she still listens to me even if she walks away uninterested. I missed you. went to DE for the weekend to spend time with paige, the only other person I know who can hate something more than I can. me and mark drove up friday night and went to this dumb party at some house. there was a black light lit basement, with a waiting list for beer pong..as paige danced in a crowded, STD-filled pit of sweat, mark and I went outside for a cigarette, where there were still about 30 people..watching as some guy is passed out and his friends trying to get him to wake up, a girl by the name of Lindsay comes up to us- "hey, can I borrow a cigarette" mark claims to not have any so I give her the rest, about half, of the one I was smoking. I hope I made her night. as paige comes out with her boy interest "squid" or whatever they call him, we join a group of stoner faggots that have a type of marijuana called "Grand Daddy Purp" to this second I still do not know if I believe if it was really what he said, or if it even exists. but anyway, one hit and I was gone. possibly he wasn't lying, but I made a good decision and went for watermelon at 7-11 instead of cookies or a slurpee or something. I was so tired, I passed out at like 2. the next morning, instead of throwing away my pennies, I dropped them all around campus hoping to make someones day. I really needed the same feeling. we showered and shopped on main street for the rest of the day. mark and I attempted to get back to the valley in time for Science Fair's show in Bethlehem, but we got lost on I-95 for quite some time. a good time for long talks. as I sit here typing this I still don't know what I was getting at. sitting here trying to stay positive for everyone that said "stop talking about him" and everyone who still has doubts. I do believe if you have faith in something, it will work out. I really do. I really hate still standing up for something-someone I still believe in. when I'm standing alone with the same thoughts I've always had. I wish that I made sense. goodnight.