I always tell myself I'm sick of crying and then I find myself doing it? I thought I was done with that shit. hmph. I don't know why I try to find the good in people, ever.

doesn't everyone want someone to think they're beautiful?

I'm miserable. my car is fucked up and I don't have money to fix it. I saw my favorite band in the whole world and it was sad and not what I expected. I hate school, I don't want to go anymore it's not for me.

I hate being called a bad person, because I'm definitely not one. the last two weeks have been really hard because it seems like everyone's been attacking me for no reason, and none of my friends give a fuck. I do everything for my friends and no one can ever seem to stick up for me when I really need it.

it's
failure
by
design

I'm not sure what's worse, being annoyed or the fact you don't care that I'm annoyed?
"lol"

when all we want is to be enough.
when all we want is to feel enough.

so ready. :-)

I accidentally slept through my first hour of work...oops. and now it's raining and my mom really doesn't want me going anywhere but I'm gonna anyway. that is, if anyone decides they wanna hang out.

bad dayz

I'm drunk

that is all.

everyone's fucking stupid

fuck you im not flirting with you im being nice go away

wow, I seriously feel like I could die.
good to know my "friends" don't even like me
never leaving my house again

I wanna go to hickory run state park/their boulder field or knoebels or even fucking bake oven knob haha too bad I'm not cute, right

the only person that wants to do cute things with me is alex wood
uGH

confused/bitter/sad/confused

it's that feeling where I physically don't want to eat because of how terrible I feel

dumb

you follow me on tumblr and twitter but shUT THE FUCK UP JEASUS CHRIST go away

100th post

I like being sober, I feel a lot better/happier when I am. and seeing how alcohol makes some people act disgusts me.

Valencia gives me chills.

and it feels like this is the last chance I have to say
every word that I've been fighting.

well I have finally decided, to hold my head up with pride
and accept the way life takes you through these changes.

cause when you reach the stars, you've made it.

it's just something that I've been drying to let you know-
and now that you're gone I'm holding on, and I just can't let go

I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around the world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light
and I saw deep inside of a love that was true

and if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show-
that you're the one, you're the one for me

and it feels like this the perfect time for me to say
that deep down inside I'm hurting, but at least I know you're worth it.

and if I hold myself with pride and accept the pain
then life will take me through these changes cause I have so much left to see.

it's just something that I've been dying to let you know.

cause now that you're gone I'm holding on and I just can't let go.

I get a little down on my self.
but when you came around the world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light
and I saw deep inside of a love that was true.

and if I ever let you go, I'm hoping that some time will show-
that you're the one, you're the one for me

so lets go back down to the back of that river where we we can dive right in
and forget about the worries from the world outside, cause you know my world,
my worlds not over because I have an angel on my shoulder.

and I'll be coming home, and when I feel those butterflies
I'll see that I need to find a better way just to believe you're gone.
so long, some day I'll find the strength to move on.

I get a little down on my self.
but when you came around the world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light,
and I saw deep inside of a love that was true.

And if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show.
cause you're the one, you're the one for me.

new birth control is making my emotions all crazy
I'm mad
I'm not mad
hey

I went to a nude beach today

okay

you are a hand full of roses, thorns and a cheap bouquet

true, I'm a walking disaster
they told you to stay away

seems like I'm making a deal with the devil
who's whispering softly to me

'cause I feel like a bad joke
walk the tight rope to hold on to you

was it real?
or a love scene,
from a bad dream
I don't think I can forget about it

you are a shining example of why I don't sleep at all

too many sheep on the brain
to make sense of a late night call

talking in circles and
chasing a tale of
love-drawn distant memory

'cause I feel like a bad joke
walk the tight rope to hold on to you

gotta know, was it real?
or a love scene, from a bad dream
I don't think
I can forget about it

you know,
there are some days where I really feel like this could work;
like you and I are finally gonna get it right

then there are days like today
when you make me
wanna tear my fucking hair out.

'cause I feel like a bad joke
walk the tight rope to hold on to you

gotta know,
was it real?
Or a love scene, from a bad dream
I don't think
I can forget about it

I posted this on my tumblr already but.

I always say things around my friends/when I'm hanging out

like “where are the babes” or "I'm tryna cuddle"

but I really don’t mean any of it. I’m so used to our friends saying it and/or being sleazeballs so the terms are stuck in my brain hah. truth is, I’m not even looking to do any of that. at least with just anyone.

/pointlesspost

I'm convinced I'm going insane
or maybe just digging myself into a deeper hole
welp

I am also a terrible friend :(

guys are awful people 98.9 % of the time

I've been having good days! single as of recently, and that's pretty cool. staying that way for a while. some things frustrate me to no end, but that's nothing new. I'm trying to not care, but sometimes that's really hard. I'm putting it in the back of my head for as long as possible :) in other news, my kitten is cute as fuck. he sleeps so much aw. I want to go on adventures, yeah?

"so do you want me? or do you want me dead?"

I miss your dirt

butterflies in the stomach is always a weird feeling

I've been listening to Brand New a lot cause I'm going to see them
I smoked grand daddy purp again tonight and it was funny cause I had no idea.
I bought my best friends easter baskets
I went to Zern's, not as cool as I remember
I'm tired and had too much taco bell

come to me, the only broken-hearted loser you'll ever need

I like that my boyfriend calls me beautiful, it's really nice of him.

drunk boys who I have complete control of, oh lawddddd

soo sick of being picked on.

everything is confusing lately
people creating unnecessary drama and bringing me into it
the usual trying to figure out where I went wrong
school being real tough.
I should be happy, everything is going really well but why do little things get to me?
why do little things still get to me? one day it won't be a bother anymore.
I am treated like an absolute princess half the time, why am I not happy with that?
maybe I'll never understand why I was never worth the effort. maybe I eat too well.
hmph
what makes you hot like an oven? sweat like the barrel, of a shotgun pointed at ya held by the devil?

I'm already bored.

this is stupid
new jersey tonight, philly tomorrow
everyone is stupid

why do I get myself into these situations? FUCK

=weird how all of my best friends are so psyched on things and doing cool stuff and I'm at home dying. good thing I cross their minds at least once in a while, right? probably not. hi I'm steph and I'm pretty pathetic right now. I am falling apart.

FUCKIN

FUCKIN A DUDE. fuck fuck fuck. that is all.

I wish I had something to post about.

cum stained blanket
what do I do
everything I've ever collected up until this point

best/worst weekend

friday I saw my favorite band in the entire world. I had half or so of a four loko, so I was kind of feeling nice since I hadn't eaten all day. it was in Jersey unfortunately so SOMETHING had to go wrong, hah. got lost once on the way there and once on the way back. but all in all it was a pretty sweet show/night. saturday I woke up at like 11, which was weird I never do that. I was in desperate need of a shower. I showered. I left my house by 3:00-ish. took out money, got gas/a-treats/etc for the night. the kid I went to the show with forgot some rum in my car so I brought that too. I got to philly around 4:30 or so, and hung out at Kendall's. I met his last roommate, Becca. she's pretty cool. Fallon and Tyler had woken up by this point, and proceeded to jam with Kendall. I was feeling anti-social, so I sat upstairs for a little until I left for a drive. I ended up at mcdonalds, where I bought a shamrock shake. it was not as good as I anticipated. a guy gave me his album, for free. it was entitled, "Watch Dis". I got back and Kendall played it on his macbook. it was mediocre. we started drinking from 6:30-7:30. Becca came home with weed, which I made the bad decision to smoke. I took two hits but I was bugging out. I had no concept of time. it was only 8 oclock. I did not have problems. and then I remembered, oh fuck, I'm going to be really sad, really soon. I was not looking forward to this. I continued to be anti-social for what seems to be the rest of the night. it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't even notice. maybe because I didn't want to notice. it was pointed out multiple times that I was really high, I did not want to remember. my eyes were fucked up. fuck. all I want to do is sleep. I can't remember what happens next. I still have no concept of time. I remember being in the foxbox, being annoyed by Kory Hartz, watching the first 10 minutes or so of Pulp Fiction, and sleeping. not in that order. apparently manescu was jumping on the bed trying to wake me up but did not prevail. I was out like a light. I liked it that way. I woke up at 6 am. I still felt fucked up. went back to sleep until 11 or so. Kendall made eggs for whoever was up. I couldn't finish mine. I left there by 3, leaving behind valentines for those I wouldn't see before the next day. I hung out with manescu for a bit until he had plans with a girl, so I was outta luck. I didn't feel like going home quite yet, so I tried to find something to do. I felt bad, but I ended up calling tyler who gave me a few excuses on why he couldn't hang out. I was okay with this. I ended up hanging out with zack, even though he was exhausted. we chilled in his dorm for a little until I just figured I should go. I always feel like I'm a burden on people, when I'm probably not. maybe a little. I could not live up to Kory, at least for that night. I made it home in about 45 minutes, not too shabby for 90 miles an hour almost the whole way home. I had a test the next morning. I didn't prepare well enough. I skipped my next class and only went to the one at 1:10. I got out of class, got my mom flowers for the occasion, picked up birth control, and dropped off valentines for people. I forgot Jeremy's but visited him at work anyway. I saw my favorite snack from Israel, I got two for Tyler. why I do these things, I don't know. it's a bad habit. I then stopped by and dropped them off, again feeling like a burden. but hey, I guess doing nice things for people is well..nice. I got home after that and have been doing nothing since. I am hungry, and exhausted. I might take myself to Nick's diner with the gift card I still have. that is if I can find the motivation. this weekend was not one of my best, I hope no one ever lets me get that fucked up ever again. happy valentines day, everyone!

What you do on your own time’s just fine.
My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.
What meant the world had folded
like legs and fingers holding onto what escapes me;
what she has: a better kiss that never lasts.

You said, between your smiles and regrets: “Don’t say it’s over.”
Dead and gone, dead and gone, yeah

Calm before the storm set it off, and the sun burnt out tonight.
A reception less than warm set it off, and the sun burnt out

This is me standing in the arch of the door
hating that look that’s on your face
that says there’s another fool like me.
There’s one born every minute, there’s one born every minute.

What you do on your own time’s just fine.
My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.
What meant the world imploded, inflated then demoted all my oxygen
to product gas and suffocated my last chance.

You said, between your smiles and regrets: “Don’t say it’s over.”
Dead and gone, dead and gone, yeah

The sun burnt out tonight

writing class
I still have no appetite. I had half of a naked juice.
napped the rest of the day, until I told Kaitlyn I'd pick her up at 6:30
we got gas, and ended up at the mall? I haven't been there in a while.
I got a cool fake leather jacket. I look cool.
I noticed my pants were really big on me.
that's a good thing, although I don't have many pants at the moment.
I put on my jacket, it doesn't have working pockets. that sucks.
I took her home and I got home before nine.
my mom wanted me to watch tv with her, so I did.
I studied. attempted to study. fuck pre-calc.
I decided that today was the day that I stop being any kind of sad
I need to stop giving a fuck
when anyone says something that makes my heart sink, fuck it!
nothing's worth getting worked up over.
it's 1:37 and my first class is at 7:50...I should sleep.
I also should finish studying. I might do that.

skipped class this morning. felt sick. what's new?
went to math class, failing it. I fell asleep like usual.
came home, took the routine one hour nap, went back to school.
left early and took the highway, got to class late.
she passed back tests, I got a 58. my friends got 80's and 90's.
came home and my mom took me to get my hair cut.
it turned out alright, didn't make me feel as good as I wanted it to.
I kind of got my hopes up for that and other things
why I started to get my hopes up I don't know.
I finally had something other than liquid and halves of protein bars
it made my stomach hurt worse.
fuck Mcdonalds. why did I choose that?
went home, attempted to make plans.
wasn't going to push it
sat around
sat around
tv time
tv party
it's 10:00
I can play family feud.
BOOOOOm
my window rattles as if it's trying to break.
I'm not the only one who hears this
big ass deal, mcall, 69, yano.
first world problems
I was startled. I'm still a little startled. I'm not sad anymore.
everything's calmed down, I'm sad again.
it's not worth it to flaunt it, so I don't say anything.
you would never say anything. I wish you would sometimes.
it's midnight. I should go to bed.
my cat is playing with a sharpie.

I saw the most beautiful sunset on my way to Philly this evening
bittersweet, really.
picked up Adam from Northampton, I hate that place.
he gave me gas and toll money.
drive around looking for parking and he also ends up paying for parking as well.
see my favorite band, without talking to them or anything I leave right after.
make a wrong turn on the way to Temple
easily fixed
went to an open mic night where Zack performed
my friends were there.
some pretty nice voices, making me self conscious about my own lack of talent. oh well.
doesn't talk to me the whole time but proceeds to text me from across the room "Hang out after this?"
No.
it's 9:30 now and my phone is dying. I don't really care.
I just need to get a hold of Adam somehow.
Nick is nice enough to let me use his phone. thanks Nick.
my drink is knocked over twice.
it's between Kendall's or Alex's dorm afterwards to charge my phone. Alex and I went back to his dorm.
turned on my phone and it turns out show's over and I have to leave already.
mapquest and go.
I get lost a few times but eventually I get there.
Adam is drunk and cold, he's been waiting outside for quite some time.
I feel bad, but not too bad.
the empty feeling in my stomach is interchangeable with the feeling of something wrong
I have had no appetite. no big deal.
it takes us a good 45 minutes to get back to the valley, not bad.
pretty much a solid 90 the whole way.
I get to Allentown finally, after taking Adam out of the way back home.
I get on my computer
heart drops, the usual
sort of feels like the emptiness in my stomach.
the internet kinda sucks. Alex always makes me feel better.
will I ever be the kind of girl people write songs about? probably not.
I suppose I can live with that.
average at its finest.

Doris Day

I saw her wait,
waiting at the bus stop,
watching as her tears dropped like pennies down a well.
Oh well, we can drink until the sun comes up
I never let a good thing go
so I'll stay here if you're not leaving

I am on your side
this house is empty
we could cross the line
and we could make a big mistake
the silence breaks
and you hear me say
don't go so far away

you know I have to go

I saw your man
a fast car and a dark sun tan
you said he's in a punk rock band
well baby, punk rock's dead
Oh well, we can drink 'til you forget about him
It's not like he waits up for you
I'm sure he'd do the same thing too

But I am on your side
this house is empty
we could cross the line
and we could make a big mistake
the silence breaks
and you hear me say
don't go so far away

you know I have to go

I knew it was a crime
I did it anyway
I tell 'em we're like magnets
I tell 'em I feel no shame
If I crawl into your blood
Can I sleep under your skin'
Come on let me in don't make me wait

I am on your side
This house is empty
We could cross the line
Yes we could be making
A big mistake
The silence breaks
And you hear me say
Don't go so far away

welp

I had the house to myself all day, and did nothing
no one was around :(
I'm pretty sad, but not about that
can't really pinpoint it but I'll get over it
:)

february 3rd
school has been cancelled the past 2 days
it's been just about a year
I'm broke for now
valentines day is coming up
for the first time in 2 years I don't have a valentine
this is weird
I doubt anyone's gonna ask me because there are better people
but I really wanna do something cute for someone, with sweets or make them food, or watch movies and cuddle. with a cute card!
maybe I'll just spoil myself instead with candy and arizona iced teas
that sounds rad actually
philly on friday, possibly?
chris stephens is leaving for the navy monday :(
I have an essay that's due tomorrow, goodnight

make out

69 (th post)

I bought a box of valentine's cards, pretty sweet, right? I feel like I'm in elementary school again. about a month early, but I couldn't pass those babies up! can't help to think I won't have a valentine this year haha, even though it's just a dumb holiday based on a massacre, but hey! whatever floats the boat. Philly tomorrow to see A Great Big Pile of Leaves if I can find 16 dollars. I also can't find the words to say how I feel at the moment, even so, I still have the "heart's in your stomach" feeling. also if I said exactly what I was thinking, it would make me sound like a complete bitch :( oh well, I have class in 7 hours, bye!

FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

seriously this can't be happening right now
I've never been more upset about anything.
(considering nothing in my life has been ever all that bad)
it's absolutely astounding how one action can change so much shit
I really need to think before I do things
I can't believe I let you go so easily
something I wanted so bad and I just gave up
now things can't fucking go back and it's my fault
you're over it and you're obviously just going to make fun of me that my blog is all about you
but I can't help it

I wish real life were like movies where someone fucks up but they're gorgeous/charming enough to win them back in the end.
it amazes me that some people even in real life get second and third chances like they're nothing.
I would give anything for one of those. I guess it just depends on the person.
fuck I would give anything to just go back and change things as fucked up and pathetic as that is.
giving up being genuinely happy for something that made me happy for the moment was not worth it.
all this has been floating around in the back of my head for quite some time now and it just needs to be put somewhere.
I apologize for anyone that follows me, ha.

it sucks that it takes so long to build up a relationship and all it takes is one fuck up to ruin everything.
it makes me sick to my stomach to know that I can never have any of it ever again.
call it selfish, I know but again I can't help it.

maybe it was that one thing that finally gave you a reason to kick me out of your life in that way, I don't know.
you and everyone around me tells me to just get over it and move on but someone tells me not to and that's the hardest part.
everyone ever is telling me how much you like her and that you said you did so I should just let go of 'that shitty relationship' and I should stop lying to myself that there was something still there. maybe you did get over me faster than I'm currently getting over you, but I can't help what I feel and I will defend you even if everyone is against me. and even if I turn out to be wrong and you really didn't care as much as I feel you do/did.

okay well now I'm starting to ramble

it just sucks that things have to be like this. I wish I just knew everything, or felt some sort of closure. or at least a time machine.

I must have no personality, or something

Stephen
Why won't you call me?

I saw you
In your tight ass rocker pants
You saw me too
I laughed 'cause I was completely trashed
And I watched your ugly girlfriend sneer across the room
as if I really care that she's here with you

All I know is
Your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

I've got guys
Waiting in a line
For me too play
My evil girly games
With all their minds
Just watch me
Got it down
To a simple art
Just bat my Eyes
Like this
And there's a broken heart

But somehow
You turn the tables
What the hell
I can charm the pants of anyone else but you

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?

Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

Stephen
I'm thinking' that
Maybe
You might think I'm
Crazy
Is that why you won't
Call me
Steve
Don't you think I'm
Pretty
Do you not
Love me?
Is that why you won't call me?

'Cause your my object of affection
My drug of choice
My sick obsession
I want to keep you as my pet to play with
And hide under my bed forever

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?

Stephen
I'll knit you a sweater
I want to wrap you up in my love
Forever
I will never let you go Stephen
I'll never let go

Stephen
Why won't you call me?
I'm sitting here waiting
Why won't you call me?
Stephen
I'm feeling pathetic
I can't take rejection
Why won't you call me?