glad I now miss you more than ever. I suck. forgetting about things is no way to get over them.

50th post.

I hate being depressing I really do, there's really nothing else coming out of me though. every time I eat I get sick. I'm crying constantly. there has to be some way that people forgive themselves for something that you can't redeem yourself from? alright well for the 3 people following me I'm just going to stop here. stay posi xxx

I am so cold. I am always cold. shitty weather to match my mood.

get me out of this place, before I cause more damage.

LGFAUD

my cat is sleeping next to me. I like that she is a constant in my life. she still listens to me even if she walks away uninterested. I missed you. went to DE for the weekend to spend time with paige, the only other person I know who can hate something more than I can. me and mark drove up friday night and went to this dumb party at some house. there was a black light lit basement, with a waiting list for beer pong..as paige danced in a crowded, STD-filled pit of sweat, mark and I went outside for a cigarette, where there were still about 30 people..watching as some guy is passed out and his friends trying to get him to wake up, a girl by the name of Lindsay comes up to us- "hey, can I borrow a cigarette" mark claims to not have any so I give her the rest, about half, of the one I was smoking. I hope I made her night. as paige comes out with her boy interest "squid" or whatever they call him, we join a group of stoner faggots that have a type of marijuana called "Grand Daddy Purp" to this second I still do not know if I believe if it was really what he said, or if it even exists. but anyway, one hit and I was gone. possibly he wasn't lying, but I made a good decision and went for watermelon at 7-11 instead of cookies or a slurpee or something. I was so tired, I passed out at like 2. the next morning, instead of throwing away my pennies, I dropped them all around campus hoping to make someones day. I really needed the same feeling. we showered and shopped on main street for the rest of the day. mark and I attempted to get back to the valley in time for Science Fair's show in Bethlehem, but we got lost on I-95 for quite some time. a good time for long talks. as I sit here typing this I still don't know what I was getting at. sitting here trying to stay positive for everyone that said "stop talking about him" and everyone who still has doubts. I do believe if you have faith in something, it will work out. I really do. I really hate still standing up for something-someone I still believe in. when I'm standing alone with the same thoughts I've always had. I wish that I made sense. goodnight.

"last night, I went out with this guy. this guy he was nice. he was nice and cute but he- he wasn't you."

absolutely.

the worst I've felt in a LONG time. I seriously feel like throwing up everywhere. I stayed home from school cause I'm so sick right now. I need comfort.