I wish I had something to post about.

cum stained blanket
what do I do
everything I've ever collected up until this point

best/worst weekend

friday I saw my favorite band in the entire world. I had half or so of a four loko, so I was kind of feeling nice since I hadn't eaten all day. it was in Jersey unfortunately so SOMETHING had to go wrong, hah. got lost once on the way there and once on the way back. but all in all it was a pretty sweet show/night. saturday I woke up at like 11, which was weird I never do that. I was in desperate need of a shower. I showered. I left my house by 3:00-ish. took out money, got gas/a-treats/etc for the night. the kid I went to the show with forgot some rum in my car so I brought that too. I got to philly around 4:30 or so, and hung out at Kendall's. I met his last roommate, Becca. she's pretty cool. Fallon and Tyler had woken up by this point, and proceeded to jam with Kendall. I was feeling anti-social, so I sat upstairs for a little until I left for a drive. I ended up at mcdonalds, where I bought a shamrock shake. it was not as good as I anticipated. a guy gave me his album, for free. it was entitled, "Watch Dis". I got back and Kendall played it on his macbook. it was mediocre. we started drinking from 6:30-7:30. Becca came home with weed, which I made the bad decision to smoke. I took two hits but I was bugging out. I had no concept of time. it was only 8 oclock. I did not have problems. and then I remembered, oh fuck, I'm going to be really sad, really soon. I was not looking forward to this. I continued to be anti-social for what seems to be the rest of the night. it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't even notice. maybe because I didn't want to notice. it was pointed out multiple times that I was really high, I did not want to remember. my eyes were fucked up. fuck. all I want to do is sleep. I can't remember what happens next. I still have no concept of time. I remember being in the foxbox, being annoyed by Kory Hartz, watching the first 10 minutes or so of Pulp Fiction, and sleeping. not in that order. apparently manescu was jumping on the bed trying to wake me up but did not prevail. I was out like a light. I liked it that way. I woke up at 6 am. I still felt fucked up. went back to sleep until 11 or so. Kendall made eggs for whoever was up. I couldn't finish mine. I left there by 3, leaving behind valentines for those I wouldn't see before the next day. I hung out with manescu for a bit until he had plans with a girl, so I was outta luck. I didn't feel like going home quite yet, so I tried to find something to do. I felt bad, but I ended up calling tyler who gave me a few excuses on why he couldn't hang out. I was okay with this. I ended up hanging out with zack, even though he was exhausted. we chilled in his dorm for a little until I just figured I should go. I always feel like I'm a burden on people, when I'm probably not. maybe a little. I could not live up to Kory, at least for that night. I made it home in about 45 minutes, not too shabby for 90 miles an hour almost the whole way home. I had a test the next morning. I didn't prepare well enough. I skipped my next class and only went to the one at 1:10. I got out of class, got my mom flowers for the occasion, picked up birth control, and dropped off valentines for people. I forgot Jeremy's but visited him at work anyway. I saw my favorite snack from Israel, I got two for Tyler. why I do these things, I don't know. it's a bad habit. I then stopped by and dropped them off, again feeling like a burden. but hey, I guess doing nice things for people is well..nice. I got home after that and have been doing nothing since. I am hungry, and exhausted. I might take myself to Nick's diner with the gift card I still have. that is if I can find the motivation. this weekend was not one of my best, I hope no one ever lets me get that fucked up ever again. happy valentines day, everyone!

What you do on your own time’s just fine.
My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.
What meant the world had folded
like legs and fingers holding onto what escapes me;
what she has: a better kiss that never lasts.

You said, between your smiles and regrets: “Don’t say it’s over.”
Dead and gone, dead and gone, yeah

Calm before the storm set it off, and the sun burnt out tonight.
A reception less than warm set it off, and the sun burnt out

This is me standing in the arch of the door
hating that look that’s on your face
that says there’s another fool like me.
There’s one born every minute, there’s one born every minute.

What you do on your own time’s just fine.
My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.
What meant the world imploded, inflated then demoted all my oxygen
to product gas and suffocated my last chance.

You said, between your smiles and regrets: “Don’t say it’s over.”
Dead and gone, dead and gone, yeah

The sun burnt out tonight

writing class
I still have no appetite. I had half of a naked juice.
napped the rest of the day, until I told Kaitlyn I'd pick her up at 6:30
we got gas, and ended up at the mall? I haven't been there in a while.
I got a cool fake leather jacket. I look cool.
I noticed my pants were really big on me.
that's a good thing, although I don't have many pants at the moment.
I put on my jacket, it doesn't have working pockets. that sucks.
I took her home and I got home before nine.
my mom wanted me to watch tv with her, so I did.
I studied. attempted to study. fuck pre-calc.
I decided that today was the day that I stop being any kind of sad
I need to stop giving a fuck
when anyone says something that makes my heart sink, fuck it!
nothing's worth getting worked up over.
it's 1:37 and my first class is at 7:50...I should sleep.
I also should finish studying. I might do that.

skipped class this morning. felt sick. what's new?
went to math class, failing it. I fell asleep like usual.
came home, took the routine one hour nap, went back to school.
left early and took the highway, got to class late.
she passed back tests, I got a 58. my friends got 80's and 90's.
came home and my mom took me to get my hair cut.
it turned out alright, didn't make me feel as good as I wanted it to.
I kind of got my hopes up for that and other things
why I started to get my hopes up I don't know.
I finally had something other than liquid and halves of protein bars
it made my stomach hurt worse.
fuck Mcdonalds. why did I choose that?
went home, attempted to make plans.
wasn't going to push it
sat around
sat around
tv time
tv party
it's 10:00
I can play family feud.
BOOOOOm
my window rattles as if it's trying to break.
I'm not the only one who hears this
big ass deal, mcall, 69, yano.
first world problems
I was startled. I'm still a little startled. I'm not sad anymore.
everything's calmed down, I'm sad again.
it's not worth it to flaunt it, so I don't say anything.
you would never say anything. I wish you would sometimes.
it's midnight. I should go to bed.
my cat is playing with a sharpie.

I saw the most beautiful sunset on my way to Philly this evening
bittersweet, really.
picked up Adam from Northampton, I hate that place.
he gave me gas and toll money.
drive around looking for parking and he also ends up paying for parking as well.
see my favorite band, without talking to them or anything I leave right after.
make a wrong turn on the way to Temple
easily fixed
went to an open mic night where Zack performed
my friends were there.
some pretty nice voices, making me self conscious about my own lack of talent. oh well.
doesn't talk to me the whole time but proceeds to text me from across the room "Hang out after this?"
No.
it's 9:30 now and my phone is dying. I don't really care.
I just need to get a hold of Adam somehow.
Nick is nice enough to let me use his phone. thanks Nick.
my drink is knocked over twice.
it's between Kendall's or Alex's dorm afterwards to charge my phone. Alex and I went back to his dorm.
turned on my phone and it turns out show's over and I have to leave already.
mapquest and go.
I get lost a few times but eventually I get there.
Adam is drunk and cold, he's been waiting outside for quite some time.
I feel bad, but not too bad.
the empty feeling in my stomach is interchangeable with the feeling of something wrong
I have had no appetite. no big deal.
it takes us a good 45 minutes to get back to the valley, not bad.
pretty much a solid 90 the whole way.
I get to Allentown finally, after taking Adam out of the way back home.
I get on my computer
heart drops, the usual
sort of feels like the emptiness in my stomach.
the internet kinda sucks. Alex always makes me feel better.
will I ever be the kind of girl people write songs about? probably not.
I suppose I can live with that.
average at its finest.

Doris Day

I saw her wait,
waiting at the bus stop,
watching as her tears dropped like pennies down a well.
Oh well, we can drink until the sun comes up
I never let a good thing go
so I'll stay here if you're not leaving

I am on your side
this house is empty
we could cross the line
and we could make a big mistake
the silence breaks
and you hear me say
don't go so far away

you know I have to go

I saw your man
a fast car and a dark sun tan
you said he's in a punk rock band
well baby, punk rock's dead
Oh well, we can drink 'til you forget about him
It's not like he waits up for you
I'm sure he'd do the same thing too

But I am on your side
this house is empty
we could cross the line
and we could make a big mistake
the silence breaks
and you hear me say
don't go so far away

you know I have to go

I knew it was a crime
I did it anyway
I tell 'em we're like magnets
I tell 'em I feel no shame
If I crawl into your blood
Can I sleep under your skin'
Come on let me in don't make me wait

I am on your side
This house is empty
We could cross the line
Yes we could be making
A big mistake
The silence breaks
And you hear me say
Don't go so far away

welp

I had the house to myself all day, and did nothing
no one was around :(
I'm pretty sad, but not about that
can't really pinpoint it but I'll get over it
:)

february 3rd
school has been cancelled the past 2 days
it's been just about a year
I'm broke for now
valentines day is coming up
for the first time in 2 years I don't have a valentine
this is weird
I doubt anyone's gonna ask me because there are better people
but I really wanna do something cute for someone, with sweets or make them food, or watch movies and cuddle. with a cute card!
maybe I'll just spoil myself instead with candy and arizona iced teas
that sounds rad actually
philly on friday, possibly?
chris stephens is leaving for the navy monday :(
I have an essay that's due tomorrow, goodnight